It's OK to not be OK

John 16:32-33

...Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.

 In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” 

To be completely honest, I am struggling trying to figure out how to start this blog post. This is a very personal page I recently did as I am currently going through a heart breaking experience. Not quite a month ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly. Even writing that sentence is not simple and I still don't believe it. It's like my head understands, but my heart doesn't comprehend.

How do you cope with losing a parent that you were so close to? There is not a set of clear directions on how to handle that. When I first found out about it, I was driving and had nowhere to pull over. My chest got tight, I felt like I couldn't breath, and my eyes filled with tears. I thought "no, there is no way this is true, how could this possibly happen? I just talked to him yesterday!" I had just left a women's ministry meeting at church and was on my way home, but I knew I couldn't drive the whole way safely. So I turned around and headed back to church. 

I walked in and saw my friend standing in the hall. She just looked at me and said "Stephanie! What's wrong?" and I struggled to get the words out and nearly collapsed in the hall. I could hardly catch my breath and I was surrounded by a group of ladies who immediately started praying for me. My entire world stopped and changed that night. It's still not the same and I know it will forever be different. As a christian, I know now is the time when I need to lean on God for comfort and peace as I face this "new normal" as many have called it. But to be totally honest, it hasn't been easy. I almost, haven't wanted to seek that comfort because then I would be admitting that all of this is real, if that makes any sense. 

A lot of my grief always seems to hit me when I'm alone driving in the car. One day recently a song came on the radio, "Maybe It's Ok" by We Are Messengers. This one part of the song jumped out at me as I drove down the road and fell apart...

Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok

'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me

Maybe it's alright if I'm not alright

'Cause the One who hold the stars is holding my whole life

-"Maybe It's Ok" by We Are Messengers

This song made me realize, it's ok that I'm not ok right now! I know the Lord will be my source of comfort and will help heal my heart.. eventually. But for now, in this moment, it's alright that I am literally falling apart at the seams. In John 16:32-33 is says "...Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” He reminds us that life is not going to be perfect. Things will be difficult and you will have hard times. But we can find peace in Him. He has overcome the entire world and we can lean on him!

So I have been praying that God will help show me his peace in this difficult time. Help me listen to him and lean on him. I know it will take time for things to "feel normal" again, but there will always be a piece of my heart missing. We had many more memories to make, hugs to give, pictures to take, and laughs to share. But I have been trying to focus on all of the things I am grateful for. Like the 32 years of memories we made together, all of the milestones he was there for, the last 1 1/2 years that he lived closer and my girls got to know their Papa so much better, and lastly that we talked for a half an hour the day before he passed. I only wish I had be given the chance to say goodbye to the man that was my rock my entire life. But I try to remind myself that he will still look down on us from heaven and see my kids grow. 

If you are reading this and also going through an extremely difficult time in your life, I pray you seek and find comfort through our mighty and powerful God! We won't feel it right away, it will still hurt, but the peace and comfort will come if we lean on Him!

xoxo,

Stephanie Gammon

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Healer of My Heart

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Life In Jesus